How On-Screen Intimacy Impacts Our Real-Life Relationships
Intimacy coordinator ITA O’BRIEN has worked on major productions across both stage and screen – from Normal People to Sex Education and I May Destroy You – and devised the game-changing Intimacy on Set Guidelines that are now widely used across the industry. Having just released her book, Intimacy, O’Brien shares an Incredible Women letter on the positive impacts this work is making beyond rehearsal rooms and film sets
I grew up in a culture where intimacy was not something we spoke about openly. Coming from an Irish Catholic background, those conversations simply weren’t part of our vocabulary. But they’ve become the entire foundation of my career as an intimacy practitioner, beginning with a play I wrote called April’s Fool. I then took one of the core dynamics within the play – the aspect of the perpetrator and the victim – into a devised piece, called Does My Sex Offend You? I remember thinking, if I’m asking actors to explore challenging, intimate scenes, what do I need to put in place to hold a physically and emotionally robust rehearsal space?
In the years that followed, I started to realize there were no industry guidelines covering this important aspect of our work, and that actors had to rely on individual companies or producers to provide a safe environment. So I created the Intimacy on Set Guidelines and began to share them. A turning point came in 2017, with the Harvey Weinstein allegations, and the #MeToo and Time’s Up movements. There was a long-overdue reckoning; a clear message that the industry could no longer turn a blind eye and that more needed to be done to keep people safe.
I come from a background in dance, movement and acting, with a practice rooted in the body, in storytelling and performance. My focus was always on how we can honor the actor and director’s process with open communication and transparency, putting in place clear agreement and consent. Just as we choreograph fights or dances with precision and care, the guidelines put clear choreography in place for intimate scenes. It is physical storytelling, which requires the same integrity and attention to safety, while providing space for the actors’ artistry. And finally, it gives closure, inviting the actor to step away from the character and the requirements of the scene at the end of the performance, both physically and emotionally.
“With Normal People, I had educators tell me they were showing those scenes in the classroom – exploring positive communication during intimacy […] There was a ripple effect. What was happening on screen was having a positive impact off screen
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In the early days, I was focused very much on the creative process and wasn’t thinking about the implications beyond the rehearsal rooms and sets. But then as shows like Sex Education, Normal People and I May Destroy You came into the public eye, I started hearing from teachers, therapists and young people. They were seeing these intimate scenes and recognizing themselves in them. With Normal People, for instance, I had educators tell me they were showing those scenes in the classroom – exploring positive communication during intimacy as a crucial element of healthy, fulfilling relationships, depicting mutual care, respect and consent. There was a ripple effect. What was happening on screen was having a positive impact off screen.
On Normal People, working with director Lenny Abrahamson and actors Daisy Edgar-Jones and Paul Mescal, every movement was agreed upon and choreographed in advance. Instead of worrying about how to navigate vulnerable moments, they could fully focus on the emotional beats of the scene. The result was a series of intimate, truthful performances that resonated with audiences and started conversations about consensual relationships. That’s a powerful legacy, of which I’m proud.
In I May Destroy You, the stakes were different, with the storyline exploring the gray area of consent and challenging intimate content. Michaela Coel’s vision was bold and unflinching, tackling issues of assault, rape, trauma and blurred boundaries. My role was to create a safe, structured space where those stories could be told authentically. Every detail was mapped out in advance, from eye contact to physical touch, so nothing was left to improvisation or assumption. As Coel expressed in her BAFTA acceptance speech in June 2021: “We can make work about exploitation, loss of respect [and] abuse of power, without being exploited or abused in the process.”
I’ve seen first-hand how intimacy coordination can unlock emotional freedom. When actors aren’t distracted by personal concerns or uncertainty, they’re able to fully inhabit their roles, bringing the best of their acting skills to the portrayal of the characters and storytelling. But perhaps most importantly, this work builds trust. When actors feel safe, they are empowered; not just to perform, but to take pride in their work within the realm of the intimate content. That sense of ownership and confidence is where the richest storytelling lives.
Whether on stage, screen or social media, the impulse to tell stories is deeply embedded in our nature. We use narrative to understand ourselves and the world around us. The images we see shape our expectations – of love, of relationships, of our bodies. And for too long, those messages have been filtered almost exclusively through the male gaze. It is important to acknowledge this default, and to invest in and support more stories crafted from the perspectives of women, the LGBTQ+ community, and global majority voices. A richer, more inclusive lens benefits everyone.
It’s also important to recognize what’s being marketed to us through the entertainment industry and enjoy it for what it is – but ultimately return to the deeper joy of the connection with our own selves. My book, Intimacy, includes exercises from my movement practice designed to help people feel grounded and embodied. But it also offers something wider – an approach to life. The principles that underpin the Intimacy on Set Guidelines are about clarity, communication, consent, choreography and closure. It is essential to understand that all intimacy is about consent. It begins with tuning into yourself – your impulses, your desires – and then honestly communicating those with another person to co-create an agreement about what you’ll explore together. These are tools not just for actors, but for any human relationship.
There’s a common misconception that rehearsing or choreographing intimate scenes removes spontaneity. But in fact, it’s the opposite. When the structure is clear, it liberates the performer to be fully present, to be playful within the boundaries. This choreography is relevant outside of performance, too. Real-life intimacy blossoms when given time, care and attention.
We’re all juggling so much – careers, parenting, daily pressures – and we often assume intimacy should just happen. However, creating space for connection in a safe, intentional setting – where you can share desires and curiosities – can be deeply nourishing and profoundly enriching, allowing intimacy to deepen, grow and thrive.