Writer Emma Dabiri On How Having ADHD Has Shaped Her Life
Diagnoses of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) have risen in recent years, and the increase has been particularly steep among women and girls, who have historically been much more likely to go undiagnosed. Below, author and broadcaster EMMA DABIRI writes about receiving her own diagnosis as an adult, how ADHD has affected her throughout her life, and the strategies she now uses to navigate it
The school reports that informed my mother her daughter “could excel” but was “happy to coast” (newsflash: I wasn’t happy to coast; I wasn’t happy at all) developed into descriptions of “disruptive” behavior, warnings I would fail all my exams, and eventually proclamations that I was going nowhere fast.
I moved to London as soon as I finished school. A lot of my new classmates at university seemed to crash out once the routine of school was removed. I was completely the opposite. With the autonomy of university, the fact that I only had to study things I was interested in, and that I was taught by people who didn’t assume me a deviant on sight, I thrived. In contrast, school was about learning by rote – there was little interest in cultivating curiosity or encouraging critical thinking. I stand ten toes down that I wasn’t a bad kid. Rather, I was a mixed Black child with ADHD. Because my teachers were already biased against me, their response to my inattentiveness and my talkativeness in class (which I’m sure was frustrating, but could have been approached differently) was met with disproportionate anger. I was also fueled by a burning sense of social justice (again, a common characteristic in people with ADHD). This was not well received. I had an extensive vocabulary. I remember being accused of copying homework, the teacher insisting I couldn’t possibly have done it myself.
I am thankful for the many times growing up I saw hypocrisy (and had the analytical tools to identify it) performed by those vested with power over me; it gave me the healthy disrespect I’ve long harbored towards undeserved authority. I used to attribute my experiences at school and beyond to racism alone, and I wasn’t completely wrong, but it was more complex than that. There has been so little written about the overlap or intersection of racism and ADHD, and I can see now that lens gives a fuller understanding of the experiences of my teens. When gender is added, and one considers expectations around the comportment of young women, it adds yet another layer.
The way I spoke was often viewed as an affront. If it wasn’t accusations of cheating, it might be the charge that I was showing off. Ironically, I was seeking to be better understood, erroneously believing that if I expressed myself with surgical precision such a miracle might occur, but conversely it made me more alienated. Even in English, one of the only subjects I was really good at with little effort, I remember being admonished for my “overactive” imagination.
Outside of my struggles in school, having ADHD shaped my life in many other ways. A revelation has been discovering the ways many of my “idiosyncrasies” are connected. But I grew up with a strong sense that I had always done something wrong, and waiting for the inevitable admonishment or punishment from an authority figure made me brittle and defensive. As a result, my body was always tense and braced.
“For a long time, I didn’t understand why there were so many simple things I couldn’t do. Post a letter, complete basic administrative tasks in a timely and efficient manner – if at all
”Emma Dabiri
Pilates, yoga and working out have helped immensely. I wish I had come to fitness earlier, but the rebellious teenager I was avoided it at all costs. Intense distractibility meant I was never able to concentrate on or learn the rules of a sport properly, and that, combined with weird assumptions that I would be “naturally athletic”, meant I pretty much refused to engage in any organized physical activity.
Conversation has been stressful for me for a lot of my life. I enjoy speaking one-to-one and public speaking, even to large crowds, but conversations with three or more people, especially if we are out, can feel wildly disorienting. I can’t follow the thread easily and am distracted by background noises and music. I’m trying to work out a “normal” place to interject. It becomes so overwhelming that I’ll often fall silent. This effort meant I used to avoid socializing in ways that could then make me feel quite isolated. It was upsetting when this would be interpreted as evidence of being standoffish or aloof rather than anxious and overstimulated.
Bright lights and certain sounds I often experience as pain. I can’t stand being in crowds in closely contained spaces – the trains and escalators I find particularly stressful – making me feel extremely on edge. I flinch and want to shrink as far away from contact with those around me as possible.
For a long time, I didn’t understand why there were so many simple things I couldn’t do. Post a letter, complete basic administrative tasks in a timely and efficient manner – if at all. I would throw my clothes on the ground, and picking them up again would require Herculean effort. I’m a naturally enthusiastic person. Growing up, this was a trait I learned to suppress because it was often deemed “too much”, but there is the flip side, too. If I wasn’t interested in something, it was like a switch was turned off. I would feel despondent, lethargic and find it almost impossible to summon the energy to engage.
Learning about sensory issues, dopamine dysregulation, ADHD task paralysis, and the challenges with executive function, organizing thoughts and transitioning between activities, has been hugely helpful. I have learned how to regulate my nervous system (mostly through meditation, mindfulness and exercise) and am far more able to approach things neutrally rather than becoming overwhelmed by intense feelings – either positive or negative. Rather than bulldozing through the days, I breathe, I pause, I check in on myself, I feel my feelings and I process them. While such a list might sound basic to the point of banality, the ability to consciously do these things and the improvement to my life they have made is profound.
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