How To Avoid A Family Feud This Holiday Season
Despite the lauded jollities of the holiday season, it is a time when tensions between families can run high and descend into bad feeling that lasts beyond the celebrations. Here, marriage-and-family therapist VIENNA PHARAON – who is also the bestselling author of The Origins of You – shares her advice for navigating challenging dynamics – and having the most positive, enjoyable season you could wish for
I love the quote from Ram Daas, “If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family”. I think most people can get a kick out of those words because of how true they land. The holidays encourage us to spend time with our family, and to do so for an extended period of time. You re-enter your family system and things that are unresolved can easily get reactivated. All it takes is that look, a comment you’re convinced is meant to stir the pot, the person who has one too many, or someone reminding you how much they wish they were doing something different.
Three pitfalls you can prepare for
1. Expecting things to be different: One of my favorite reminders this time of year is, don’t be surprised by unsurprising things. It’s easy to convince yourself that things are going to be different than they always are. Our hopefulness likes to take the driver seat and suggest that it’s possible things have changed. Expect what you can expect and prepare for that. This helps you plan for how you’ll meet the unsurprising moments in a different way. The only person you have control over is yourself. So plan for what you know, and then explore how you want to engage differently with whatever you know is going to present.
2. The struggle to keep boundaries: For the people-pleasers and peace-keepers, it can feel challenging to set boundaries. The desire to avoid disappointing someone, letting them down, or feeling like the reason they’re sad is strong. So communicating that you’re not going to spend the night, and that you’re going to celebrate just for the day, might feel nearly impossible – particularly if you expect to be met with a guilt trip. Keeping the boundary requires you to follow through on what you set. But this step really means that you’re able to tolerate their reaction without abandoning your boundary, which isn’t easy work.
3. Not getting hooked into debate or old patterns: You promise yourself that you’re not going to talk about that topic, and then that person keeps pushing and pushing until you take the bait. You might have made a commitment to not engage in the thing that you know will go south, and then you get hooked in and you’re exactly where you didn’t want to end up.
The coping strategies to plan in
We need to utilize nervous-system regulating tools, which are especially helpful when we’re with people who put our nervous system on high alert. If it perceives something as unsafe, it’s going to engage protective strategies designed to keep us safe: fight, flight, freeze, (and fawn). This might look like shouting, becoming defensive, trying to prove our point, disconnecting, drinking more heavily, storming off, or leaving early. Your job isn’t to force yourself to stay in something that doesn’t feel right for you, but planning strategies to help support your goals from the start can be useful.
1. Get out into nature and listen to the trees: Nature is healing and regulating. Go for a walk before you or they arrive. Get outside and breathe between the appetizers and the entrees. Notice how the sensations in your body change when you do that.
2. Pre-record a voice memo: Record a voice memo on your phone of you speaking directly to yourself that you can listen to in a moment of dysregulation. It can be helpful to hear a clear version of ourselves when we’re feeling frustrated. This recording should be your most calm, grounded, and wise self, speaking to the you who might be feeling upset or angry.
3. Have a friend on standby: A quick check in text or call can go a long way. Having a ‘teammate’ with you, even if they’re not there physically, is incredibly supportive. And, if you do have someone there with you, have a code word or subtle signal you give to one another when you need to hit reset.
4. Visualize your favorite place: Go to a quiet, private place, maybe turn on some music, close your eyes and visualize your favorite place in the world. It might be a beach, a hike, your backyard. Wherever it is, bring it into focus and begin to notice the physical sensations of being there and how your body changes as you do. Stay there for as long as you’d like.
Steps to make the whole season as positive for yourself as possible
1. Don’t overextend yourself: You can say no to invites. It’s easy to get hit with Fomo, but sometimes a no is your greatest act of self-care. When you’re constantly on the go, it can feel exhausting and depleting instead of nourishing.
2. Avoid comparisons: You look on social media and everyone has somewhere to go and people to be with. They’re traveling to places you’re not, enjoying seemingly perfect family time, cuddling with a significant other that you don’t have. It’s easy to get down on yourself if your life doesn’t look as shiny as someone else’s. Focus on what you do have and don’t be afraid of the mute button.
3. Indulge in the traditions you enjoy: Even if it feels a little silly, let yourself bake the cookies, blast the holiday music, make the orange-and-clove pomanders. Whether you had childhood traditions or not, find ways to fill your home and yourself up with some joy and laughter.
5. Do something for others: One of the greatest ways to bring yourself joy is by bringing others joy. This doesn’t need to be a huge act. Perhaps cook a meal for someone or visit someone who would appreciate company. Send a thoughtful card. Think of someone who could use extra care and consideration and see what you feel able to offer.
Follow Vienna Pharaon at @mindfulmft and read her newsletter for more recommendations.