Stronger
With
Lupita Nyong’o
She may have spent a decade in the spotlight, but Oscar-winning actor LUPITA NYONG’O is in no doubt there is much more to learn – about her industry and herself. Here, she talks to ZEBA BLAY about dealing with fame, heartbreak and healing, making Hollywood her home, and shedding the armor that no longer serves her
Lupita Nyong’o is in a time of transformation. It’s early morning in mid-January and we’re walking along a winding trail amidst the mountains of Southern California. Nyong’o has chosen a hike because meeting in a restaurant or café would make her feel too reserved, too under the spotlight. “When I’m in nature, walking, talking, we don’t have to just stare at each other,” she explains. “We’re taking it all in.”
Nyong’o has recently moved to Los Angeles after 12 years based in New York City. “I want to better understand this industry that I’m part of and the moving pieces that make it what it is,” she shares. Hollywood has always been a nebulous, abstract concept for the actor, existing only as a place for work. Now, it’s home and, more importantly, a site for healing amid a challenging and reflective period in her life.
To understand where Nyong’o is now, one might first consider where she’s been – particularly the fact that over the course of six years (from around 2008 to 2014), her life changed rapidly. She went from working as a PA on sets to starring in a Kenyan TV series called Shuga, to graduating from Yale School of Drama, to making her feature-film debut in Steve McQueen’s 12 Years A Slave, and then winning an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress. She laughs, thinking about this trajectory. “Like, how the hell did that happen?”
“I don’t have CONTROL of how much SPACE I occupy, but I also don’t need to PRESSURE myself to fill it”
“I’ve learned a lot of my lessons through being… in the position of power and not knowing necessarily how to wield it; not having an example of how it’s done,” she says.
In the early post-Oscar-win days, she was often afraid to show what she didn’t know, coping with the pressure by figuring things out on her own. “I remember doing a scene and the director coming and saying, ‘OK, Lupita, that was great, but can you do it to camera?’ And I was like, ‘Oh yeah, of course. This is not theater.’ That exposes you, and it’s harder to fail.”
Nyong’o remembers vividly the moment fame came to her. It was January 2014. One day, she was riding the subway anonymously around New York, running errands in preparation for her Golden Globes debut. She went to the Globes, stunned in a red Ralph Lauren gown that landed her on every best-dressed list. The next day, she flew back to New York and was met at the airport by a wall of paparazzi.
“I was looking to see who they were running after, and they were coming to me. I took off, running. I got out of the terminal and almost got knocked over by a car because I ran into the road. I felt so unsafe. When was the last time you got chased by a group of men?”
She recalls some advice that Oprah gave her, early on, about being in the public eye: “You need to disassociate with your name, because your name is no longer yours.” Despite the surreal incongruity of fame, it’s never been a struggle for Nyong’o to make the delineation between her celebrity and herself, in part thanks to an upbringing where she watched her Kenyan politician father navigate public life, occupying more space than he wanted to occupy because the nature of his work demanded it.
Perhaps his example contributed to Nyong’o’s diplomatic approach to celebrity. “I don’t have control of how much space I occupy, but I also don’t need to pressure myself to fill it.”
Nyong’o has a penchant for playing characters with quiet strength; individuals who find themselves in challenging circumstances that they must overcome with great sacrifice – both physical and emotional. She chooses roles that are confronting, that force her to grow. Learning to swim for Wakanda Forever, for instance, taught her that life can sometimes be like jumping into a cold pool, bracing yourself for the shock of the chill. “You realize your nervous system will do so much better if you don’t predict its suffering.”
“I looked at the environment of my SOCIAL media and thought, I don’t want to be a part of this ILLUSION that everything is always COMING up roses”
Now, she comes to set with more vulnerability, shedding the armor of control that no longer serves her. “What happens if I show up unclenched, honest, open, knowing what I know, accepting what I don’t, and just go with the flow?”
We’re at the midpoint of the hike when we climb up to sit on a wooden bench that overlooks a vista of sea and mist and mountains. There’s a beat of silence as we take it all in – this is a place for deep reflection. I ask Nyong’o if she’s thought at all about which of the characters she’s played so far – Maz Kanata from Star Wars, Red/Adelaide from Us, Nakia from Black Panther, to name a few – she feels closest to.
“I think what I’ve LEARNED is, I’ve got to just FACE this thing that I’m going through. I can’t RUN away from it”
“The character that has lingered the longest for me is Patsey [from 12 Years A Slave]. I feel like she’s the only character that I’ve played that I may never watch again. Because I don’t need to watch to remember.”
This March marks 10 years since she won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress for the role. A decade after her life and career so drastically changed, Nyong’o says she’s been meditating on “how much I’ve accomplished, and also how much I still don’t know”.
Nyong’o tends to speak in crisp, complete sentences that almost always cohere into something rather profound. She has a dry humor, laughs easily – even when discussing difficult topics – and isn’t afraid of silence. There’s a thoughtful consideration to everything she says. She exudes the energy of someone actively trying to heal. The latest lesson began in 2020, during the height of the ongoing pandemic, when Nyong’o was forced to slow down, reflect, and view her life from a vantage point unobscured by the haze of Hollywood. And then came the breakup.
Historically, Nyong’o has never been public about her romantic relationships. (“And that was very, very sage of me,” she says when the subject comes up. “I’m going back to those days, by the way.” I take the hint: no questions about the current rumors linking her to a certain Canadian actor.) That changed in December 2022, when the actor hard-launched her then-boyfriend on Instagram, sharing a video with the hashtag #thisismylove.
“In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she says. However, in October 2023, Nyong’o posted a vulnerable announcement that the relationship had come to an end, “devastatingly extinguished by deception”.
She didn’t know what the reaction would be to her honesty, stripping away the patina of perfection. “I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak. I looked at the environment of my social media and thought, I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it.”
When she hit share, she felt relief and less alone in her heartbreak. “I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own. But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
“I don’t need an EXTREME to be happy. For me, right NOW, when I wake up and I don’t feel a bout of TEARS well up, I rejoice”
Nyong’o has some intriguing projects on the horizon that she can’t share details of just yet, including a podcast and the forthcoming A Quiet Place: Day One prequel. (When I tell her that castmate Alex Wolff recently declared her performance a “stunning tour de force”, she gets shy. “Oh my God, Alex. Let people decide! I love him, though.”)
This year, Nyong’o is focused on deeper self-exploration, beyond her career, embracing slowness and the intentional work of understanding herself. She’s trying to take the advice that applies to her, like something fellow actor Niecy Nash said when she questioned after her breakup whether she would ever love again: “Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it.”
It’s still a process. As the hike winds down, she admits that she’s looking for a spark to light something in her again. But Nyong’o doesn’t feel the need to rush this transitional phase. “I think what I’ve learned is, I’ve got to just face this thing that I’m going through. I can’t run away from it. And so I am not looking for its opposite right now.”
As Nyong’o continues to metabolize lessons, she is simultaneously focused on appreciating the subtle joys of her life, of which there are many: gardening, painting, traveling, her family, her friends, her orange rescue cat, Yoyo. “I don’t need an extreme to be happy. For me, right now, when I wake up and I don’t feel a bout of tears well up, I rejoice,” she declares, with real gratitude. It’s these points of light that fill Nyong’o up that she tries not to lose sight of. And perhaps the ultimate joy, the ultimate gratitude amidst all the uncertainty? “Just the ability to say: ‘I’m still alive.’”
Lupita Nyong’o: in her own words
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